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Degenerate Demos

by Tom Ashman

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1.
I'm The Man 03:23
I’m the man, with the trembling hands, A rented room, alone in a Sunday doom, There’s no one here, except that slow and slouching fear That all my days will be boredom and minimum wage. Because you work all week, behave and slave and count the fucking days until you, Break, down and out, because it’s easier than being around. I’m the man, with the trembling hands, And I don’t mean to, but I fall short and I fall through, It’s how I’m raised, by this town and society, The scared and brave, tipped into the unmarked grave. A hell in parallel, another friend just killed themselves, can’t tell, by all the Well trained years, of holding back all the tears. I’m the rage, that won’t be diminished of assuaged, When I realise, I’ve internalised the lies, I carelessly caught, to reinforce my fractured front, And that’s their trick, born blank and grown up sick. Stem the thoughts that flow, with night, moonlight and drink and blow and show that heart of Stone, TV on, In the vapid escapist home, Magnolia lino alone, And a fear right down to the bone.
2.
I can’t help being angry, I can’t help being lost, It’s the way I was built like the leaves of a tree in the frost. You told me to lie, you told me to kill, You told me you would not hold me responsible. I can’t help the way that you’re calling me, And look at all my love raining down in streams of ecstasy, And I’ll wait, I’ll wait for better days, And if you’re moving on, and if you’re not real at all, You’ll still be the monster in my dreams. I can’t help being clueless, can’t help play my part, Can’t help that I can’t say how I’m afraid of the dark, Can’t help being distant, can’t help being cold, If I cave for one moment the ghosts would never let me go. I can’t help the way that you’re haunting me, And I’m so awake in this raw and raging sobriety, Nothing’s dulled, sharp senses feel it all, So breakable, so fragile, And my thoughts won’t ever leave me alone. I’m a claustrophobic, vapour holding, back the knives of pride and loathing, An ice and crystal hurricane, the shards dispersing in the rain, I’m humanity and bravery and all the lies you told to me, And I’m grasping out to feed, the dreams all slipping out of reach and, I’m here, just come and get me, I’m here just come and get me. Can’t help the way that you’re haunting me, And look at all my love raining down in sheets of ecstasy, And I’ll wait, I’ll wait for better days, And if you’re moving on, and if you’re not real at all, You’ll still be the monster in my dreams.
3.
Contaminates 03:01
Contaminates You’re living off contaminates, the water-willing world, and every distance from my way, living in my everyday, and everyday is colder now the sunlight slips away, and every way is shorter than the time it takes to stay. Hey… I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. Hey… I’ve found a way of moving all the time. If you crumble do it quietly, scream through quilted finery, ring the bell and walk away, my two-stroke-engine, bird-of-prey, and pray I will before the end, my final acts condemned, the wonder of dumfounded men, time to re-begin. Hey… I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. Hey… I’ve found a way of moving all the time. You’re swimming in conglomerates of disinfected waves, and your sanctimony only scares you as much as it saves, and saviour is your final word, the revolutions close, an interloper in the court and imposters on the throne. Hey… I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. Hey… I’ve found a way of moving all the time.
4.
Losing Again 02:40
Losing Again You party then you’re gone, and I’m losing my mind. You bite the hand that’s wrong, but refuse to feed what’s right. Oh but it’s a lonely road that leads you back to hearth and home, I’ve been a minor for your lies. Turn your back again, you’re shrouded in the atmosphere and, I’m losing again. Yeah, your sacred vows your holiness to love and doubt and, I’m losing the same. Maybe you will run, maybe you will hide, maybe multiply or maybe just subside. Oh but it’s a splendid dream that takes you back to what you mean to me, I’ve just been living for the thrill. Won’t you take me down, fuck the king we’re going to take his crown, and I’ll race the rising tide. Oh you’re bloodshot eyes, the pious incantations in my mind, and I’m losing again. I’m losing again, I’m losing again, I’m losing again, I’m losing again.
5.
Like The Wind When it rained I didn’t care, I filled my mouth with vodka and I blew smoke in the air, and we sheltered by the sea, the waves marking time was like a symphony. When the sky is grey, click your fingers and the clouds all separate. Oh, you hold me, yeah, come play with me, my lover, is like the wind. And you move in your own way, you wear those shoes you know the rain will penetrate, and you’re slow to want to speak, then all your words just flow in perfect works of subtlety. Filled with sediment and soul, the tragedy our earnest lives lived fearing the unknown. Oh, you hold me, yeah, come play with me, my lover, is like the wind. First light, the morning fighting with the night, heartbeat, a soft and fragile machine, too tired to sleep, dragged from dusk to dawn with me, I’m getting old, you always break the hand you hold. Oh, you hold me, yeah, come play with me, my lover, is like the wind.
6.
Cowards in the Street I love you waiting for my wings, and if I died in this eternal spring, But keep your distance from yourself, only you can see that inside blackened hell. Sterilize my soul, Synthesize new bones, Execute the truth against the wall. So fake it all that’s set in stone, and if you lie at least you’re doing what you’re told, Don’t want to hear about the desperate times, and if your mask dare slip, they might notice mine. Crucify me, vile twisted imagery, Take two of these before you sleep. I’m here my friend, possession taken over me, until the end. A violent plane of what you see, the ghosts of uniformity, a terror taking over me grinding my reality. Policing cowards in the streets. I love you waiting for my wings, how long would you stay if you just do your thing, Breaking dust under my feet, And I’m a coward in the street.
7.
Digging for the sun You let me in your room, that night I fell for you like rising from the tomb, and you let me in your world, and we revealed the inner spiral of the burl. Your eyes stare out at me, a summer storm disguised in fierce tranquillity, and you’re voiceless like the sea a question on your lips you can’t convey to me. Don’t cry your life away, you’re digging for the sun, face like a loaded gun. Grit your teeth and clench your fists you’re swing for no one, and your work is never done. So you blow on like the breeze, become another sweet tormenting memory, in the idyll in my mind, a place I’ve never been a dream on rewind, and I’ll always find you there, where we’re alone together breathing the same air, it plays like living life, a dance of ecstasy on secret edge of knife. Don’t cry your life away, you’re digging for the sun, face like a loaded gun. Grit your teeth and clench your fists you’re swing for no one, and your work is never done. A childhood back in time, first time I scared myself with thoughts that were all mine, and the innocence you lose, I met the darkness in this life I didn’t choose. You’re the air that goes unseen, between the breaths when you forget that you’re breathing, chasing smoke and going blind, with the sublime unfolding right before my eyes. Don’t cry your life away, you’re digging for the sun, face like a loaded gun. Grit your teeth and clench your fists you’re swing for no one, and your work is never done.
8.
Corrupt Me 03:32
Corrupt Me Do you love me, do you feel like it’s a burden, to turn this wheel and does it taste good, to feel like you and breath the air in this dirty room. Ashtray mind, discarded broken time. I know a place to keep us young, ‘cos we aint nearly done, is this elation And you got a ripped back, lightning tongue, when did this stop being fun, is this damnation Oh corrupt me, take me in, I’ll be your lover, your gateway sin and burn forever in your smoke filled dreams and work together, with your entropy. Bottled fear, the night time disappear. Is there some garden in the sky to be defiled when you’re high, a cheap hit danger, And if paradise should burn, it’s none of our concern, I don’t believe in angels. You light the fuse, but can’t take it when you lose, And you’re settled down your mind turning round and round. Don’t swap your blood and bile for service with a smile, this generation, Because we’re ugly and impure, why be quiet and demure, this adoration.
9.
Terbutaline Selfhate Your naked sores, the pieces of your blood-soaked cloth adorn the floor, and I slip my skin, the chemicals and cuts of water flowing in. And you lock the door are you living for tonight, and your star-built dreams are blocking out my light. And move, in your symmetry, the flooded fields the romance and the poetry. And you’re pulling muscles out, an autolysis breaking down the most devout. Freeze the harmony, an illustrated study of anatomy. In the sunlight day, no sleep, wicked smiles cracked across their face. But they’re just empty words, they won’t hurt you anymore. Express and devastate, and shake me to my core. And I never knew the words, to say in the right order that would really work. And there’s those visions of my past still flashing by in dull and flattened, broken parts. So you stretch out wide, and pick up all the pieces that you left behind. An aching phrase, too delicate to swim in summer warm malaise. A sentence charged, with a dripping, bloodshed art. All threat discharged, and subtext blown apart. And you blowing bubbles out, the mighty ones have fallen to the screams and shouts. And you fear the open wind, the cunning and the curling streets you grew up in.
10.
Gasoline Rose You’re my god, you’re my gasoline rose. You’re not her, you’re just dressed in her clothes. You move the world, you go where I can’t follow, and I’m left dry, staring down my tomorrows. Ah but I know, it’s the going cold or the going home. And I see, there’s music in the words you speak to me. I’ve been slowing down, I’ve been keeping dull. I’ve been climbing up the walls, these something deep inside me burning still, something to be careful of. Yeah, you got it going on, won’t you take me for what I am. Yeah, you’re going strong, won’t you take me, give a damn.
11.
I’ll wait my turn I’ll wait my turn, it’s running down my neck again, a nerve fired girl, a broken boy in hetero-wear, slowly it moves, sinking in the freeze dried air, and I’ll wait my turn, like building ancient empires. Hey the big wide open, tumbling like the sea. In a reckless window street display, and a water contrived street bouquet, if time was on my side. I’ll wait my turn it’s ruined me it will you too, all the trees leaves turn a brown and crisping autumn fill, you show me the world, the cities of corrupted men, and I’ll fit right in, a distorted sense of loose and win. Hey I never really changed, just distracted by the world. In my teenage shopfront, holes in shoes, and the sun-bleached flagstone dreams of youth. I’m reaching out for home again. Dragging backwards, feet that slip, an exhausting 20s memory trip, I’m grasping at dead straws again, a VHS real bargain bin, the funerals and the ageing skin, their lives were real enough to them. And I’ll wait my turn, my rucksack and my sunshine shirt, in future hand-held day they might see a film of me, smiling from the past, seems so real now built to last, remembered at their height, still smiling out in black and white.
12.
Violent Dreams You’re the king of all your violent dreams, the rules you set in stone, An empty glass of kerosene to fuel the fire below, You’re the god of all that you survey, but no god even looks at me, Another dialling tone. I’ve been down I’ve been losing sleep, I’ve been moving like a beast. Show me your scars, where your broken bones are poking through the holes, I’ll show you the bite marks of your teeth. You worship all your impulses, the frequencies that ring, And I’ve been hungover for 5 years, but I’ll go drink again, Tired games towards my bed, what’s one more between fucking friends, And no friend fucks like you. I’m sick and tired of these confines, I’m a slave to grey skies. Show me your love for this post-industrial riverbed of rust, I’ll show you the heights that we could climb. Oh this smell of sweet decay, in this daytime TV power-play. The shadow on the bathroom wall tells me the sun’s about to fall, Like the blood into the sink, and the clinging vomit stink, And I’m going out tonight, a well-researched, reflex fight or flight, To get out of my head and to get someone in my bed. Amphetamine buzz and alcohol fuzz, my old friends pride and greed and lust, I tried to hide behind my lies but nothing else no will suffice, It’s half 5 in the morning, alive with a warning, licking powder off a mirror with the daylight dawning. Show me your pride, in this D-Day, Dunkirk, Viking, Jacobite, I’ll show you the places where I’d hide. I’m always voting with my feet, they float above the ground, A disconnection from the world like a spark that gets drowned out, Pour some petrol in to me, I’ll show you all my energy, We’ll be like rays of sun. The lipstick on the bathroom wall, we’re writing in our code. Give me an inch, and I’ll be your blue eyed Sunday morning bitch, Pull the pin and watch me explode.
13.
Living My Own Way I’ll be on my way, I’m a losing man, You can’t hold a candle to the place I’m in. I’ll be on my way, to my city friends, when the sky turns to winter and the summer ends. I’ll lay down beside you as the snow comes in, the cold outside can’t hold off the heat within, orange sun above the city streets and the blues pulls down upon me like gravity. And if you don’t know where you’re going, then you’re dangerous, you’ve got your life laid out before you, but it’s not enough, and if you’re looking hard for something you might see right through, the things you try to find might come and look for you. But I’m here I’m living my own way again. Set myself apart from the boys and men, and when you’re talking to me it’s like oxygen. Orange sun, where the streets are wide, I feel like a kid with no place to hide. Lay down beside you as the campfire makes a spark, glowing as it rises to sit among the stars, with nothing but our nature, like two grains of sand, our mother mountain holds us in her loving hands. And inside of the big-top, is painted like the sky and the clowns wear their makeup like a lie that no one buys, and your dreaming is best done by the screaming light of day, before the show time comes and kicks and beats your life away. I’m here and I’m living my own way again.

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A collection of DIY recordings of some of my original music, that together form the Degenerate EP

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released November 2, 2018

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Tom Ashman Scotland, UK

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